Yesterday, I loved Final Fantasy XIV. Today I’m not so sure. But this is only the latest oscillation in my sinusoidal relationship with Square-Enix’s brand new MMO. I’ve been trying to write about Final Fantasy XIV, but my opinion of it is more erratic than a seismometer during an earthquake. When I write something, I like to let it sit for a little while so that I can return with fresh eyes. This has become problematic as I write about FFXIV: by the time I reread my writing, my opinion has changed. Perhaps as my ideas settle down I’ll figure out what I really want to say.
In the meantime, here’s something excellent.
The Japanese Amazon page for the Final Fantasy XIV Collector’s Edition has 142 customer reviews, 110 of which are one star, and 15 of which are two stars. I was curious what the complaints were, so I ran the page through Google translate. I find the results to be eloquent and wonderfully puzzling. Here are some of my favorite lines:
Items are lost. Time is rewound.
Maintenance is done frequently. Do it in primetime.
-from “Goods does not even reach the area” by Himuuro Yuki
What happened after one year is unknown, is to buy at the moment is not.
-from “Remember the Anger” by Mithra
Frankly I do not think people who bought can only regret I will only lick the user.
-from “Trash” by Bygto
The contents of the game is boring. Boring.
What is a boring boring?
-from “Gotten to say a word” by Old Man In Front of Grandpa
First came on the tumbler can not be used in an unsanitary unsatisfactory on the street called you.
-from “Noticable downside but a beautiful” by Transformer
Maybe because I root rot is going nowhere. I feel like I’m a heart massage decomposed body.
Still praying for a miracle to feel like throwing up makes me feel bad.
-from “Dumped in a ditch ten thousand 20 w” by Liefmann
Nevertheless, they tumble into naked in a box, which had placed too much silica. Sorry, sealed in plastic.
It’s better to work while chanting the words of the Buddha.
-from “Fall! Fall! Falling rolls?!!” by Planetes
Square Enix would have been forced to chop off the head of a lizard bold decision soon.
Sincerely hope to come from the remaining cell grows a new head.
-from “Lose lizard head” by Love Shop
The only drag down ][ Haunted piggyback
If you do not want to fall together
-from “Final pathetic” by Maru
Second Person Shooter 
Switchbreak
/ October 11, 2010I think “Old Man In Front of Grandpa” wins for best name and best review.
kentsutherland
/ October 11, 2010True, but “Fall! Fall! Falling Rolls?!!” is the best review title.
Harbour Master
/ October 11, 2010I feel suitably warned off the game. Thanks for the insight, Kent.
shmalex
/ October 17, 2010Did you ever play FF11? That game was probably the most masochistic game I have ever played, but paradoxically it also proved to be the most memorable MMO I have played (I played WoW and Aion as well). I was the world’s worst white mage, and I have no end of hilarious stories that ended in gruesome, entertaining deaths. Sadly, from what I’ve read of FFXIV so far, it doesn’t seem like it would produce the same type of experience for some reason.
Of course, at some point during my college career I also had to come to the realization that I can’t play a MMO and still, you know, be good at life. So all MMO games lost a lot of their appeal. :p
kentsutherland
/ October 17, 2010Yeah, I played quite a bit of FFXI way back when. And you’re right–the game was difficult and punishing and memorable. I was looking for a similar experience when I picked up FFXIV, plus I love the idea of being there at the beginning, when lots of people are exploring a new world and a new system together. Instead what I found was a strange and beautiful and silent place that was crowded with disappearing bodies. There’s a lot of potential there, though–maybe it will get better.
Thanks for stopping by.
BeamSplashX
/ October 19, 2010I always thought Square-Enix overplayed their lizard head content. Or in the case of tri-Ace, Lezard heads.
DELTA
/ October 21, 2010WHAT IS THE CHANTING WORDS OF VOODOO